Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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