Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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