please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Randomize
