I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
