I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
