Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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