Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
