I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
