4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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