Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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