I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
