Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
