i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
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Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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