so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
