I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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