fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
a search helicopter?!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
