My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
