Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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