So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
