some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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