On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
