i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
