Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
