2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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