god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
