I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
