life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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