HIV tests are more positive than that guy
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
