I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
