just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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