She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
