They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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