the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
