i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
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My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
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I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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