I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
