god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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