i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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