So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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