I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
