Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
