I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
