I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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