Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We are two peas in an std pod
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
