did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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