walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
