he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
