didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
