My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
