Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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