quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
