Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
