Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
