so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
