i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
