You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
