I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
